Trip Report for Miracle Strip Amusement Park
6/23/04
Crowds/Weather: Crowded/Warm

“I need to be at least 40 before I become Nana”
Female rider to a kid while on line for the haunted house.

Park Rating
Clarisse: 2.8 out of 5
Clarisse’s Park Comments: I had almost forgotten what it was like to be uncomfortable at a park & its surrounding area. Panama City Beach sure reminded me. As Lets Go travel books correctly describes it, it’s the “heart of the Redneck Riviera.” I’m not comfortable in areas like that, as I imagine the people who are comfortable with it are not comfortable with me.

While we were walking and driving around there, we were very confused as to why everyone was honking. It seemed as if they were honking at us, but we didn’t think we were doing anything wrong. Then we connected the honking to the droves of pickup trucks full of people crammed into the bed of the truck. Apparently cruising is very popular, which is one of the reasons there is so much traffic on the road along the beach.

The park itself was fairly full, which is surprising because they’re closing after this year. However they are only open for 4 hours a day. Incidentally they’re closing because a developer bought the land to build condos or a hotel or something. Panama City Beach doesn’t need any more condos or hotels. There are plenty and we also saw plenty of them under construction. What Panama City Beach does need is an amusement park, but apparently they’re losing it. We didn’t spend too much time in the area, but as far as I could see besides the beach, there are only mediocre attractions. Granted, it is a mediocre park but its so wrong what they’ve done… Oh well, I’m never going back, so what do I care?

They have these cool swing benches made out of wood like the ones that are in backyard playsets. They were very popular, and I didn’t get to sit in one. I hope they get saved somehow. They’re perfect for a porch, balcony or backyard. I wish we could get one.

On line for the Starliner was a kid in front of me with a t-shirt with the confederate flag on the back. It said, “If this offends you then you need a history lesson”. Well I guess I need one. I wondered if the kid could give me one or if he was just posturing. I wanted to ask him for elucidation, but I was already too creeped out by the area to be up for confrontation..

Mike: 2 out of 5
Mike’s Park Comments: Before arriving in Panama City Beach, Cla and I were treated to a break from coaster riding.

I knew 3 and a half months of non-stop parks and roller coasters would be too much. With this in mind, I tried to build in breaks so that we could catch our breath and not ride roller coasters, spin upside down or eat overpriced fried foods for a few days.

When we arrived in South Beach, Miami after Orlando there was not room for a break factored in. But it ended up we needed one. We were shot. We did the east coast parks like a hurricane, and then when a break was needed, we got drunk for 3 days instead with friends in Sarasota. Come Orlando, we were exhausted, hung over, and arguing. The fact that I didn’t enjoy Universal or Seaworld very much at all didn’t help things (though Islands of Adventure and BG Tampa were fantastic in there own ways). Regardless, upon entering Miami we were spent. Though we were supposed to only stay one night with Cla’s cousin Gilbert and his girlfriend Alex, we decided to stay three. Not only were they friendly and accommodating as hell, their place was fantastic! The apartment complex came with numerous pools that faced the bay and offered fantastic sunsets. A computer room gave us high speed internet. Their balcony gave gorgeous views of both the bay and the ocean and better still, they had a gigantic television. It was an easy decision in the end to skip Wild Adventures and crash here and get our heads together.

South Beach is simply fantastic looking. Like San Francisco, or NYC, or Los Angeles, South Beach and Miami have a unmistakable look that you’ve seen a million times in television and films. At every glance, you just know you are in Miami. Great food, a laid back beach culture, and one of the more casually multi-racial and mixed hetero/gay populations I’ve seen. South Beach just oozes cool, and we loved it.

After Miami, we were off for a day of driving that ended with our staying in Daytona Beach. We found a motel that was on the beach after driving around Daytona for a fair amount of time just to check it out. Daytona is cute, but not my thing. I don’t really like beach culture, and I don’t like mainstream college students. So not my thing. It’s nice though. There are a lot of nice looking resorts and it looks like a few decent restaurants. The next morning Cla and I walked from our room to the beach to place our feet in the Atlantic before saying goodbye to that ocean for a few months as we headed west. The beach at Daytona was nice, the water pretty and fairly warm.

I mention all this so that I can be reliably believed when I say that Panama City Beach is a dump. Despite having hotel rates that match Daytona or South Beach, Panama City Beach is nothing but a line of condominiums and sleazy motels. The few places that bill themselves as resorts feel more like they belong on the Jersey Shore then the other beach cities we experienced in Florida.

What was overwhelming about Panama City Beach was it’s complete lack of character. In Daytona or Miami, I felt I was in places that had strong personalities. Here, there was no personality, just mile upon mile of mediocre hotels and endless condo complexes, occasionally being broken up by these crappy shacks that either sold fast food type food or drug paraphernalia.

Upon entering PCB, Cla and I felt uncomfortable about 10 minutes after leaving the car. I’m not sure how people from these areas can accomplish this, as we had no real preconceptions starting the trip. I was nervous about the south in general, and especially nervous about Texas, but I had no particular worry about any particular place. It ends up the places where we needed to be worried somehow let us know within seconds of our arrival. We just felt really, really uncomfortable. Branson, Pigeon Forge, Carowinds and Panama City Beach all win rewards in this regard. Any preconceptions we had about Texas, by the way, were wrong. We felt totally welcome there at all the parks and even now consider Austin as a potential place to move one day.

The one thing Panama City had going for it that gave it any personality what so ever was Miracle Strip. A cute, unique, if slightly dumpy small park, Miracle Strip gives a little bit of charm and personality in a beach area completely lacking in any. The fact that this place is getting ripped down to build even more ugly condos or a hotel is a fate that maybe Panama City Beach as a city and it’s visitors deserve.

Without Miracle Strip, all PCB appears to have left to show any regional character at all are the spray painted marijuana accessory stores and some shitty shacks selling greasy food. And I imagine those will go too if the real estate wave that is clearly attacking PCB continues to roll.

As for the park itself, Miracle Strip is the first park that reminded me of the park I lived 4 blocks away from growing up, Rockaway Beach’s Playland in Queens, NY. Playland closed over 15 years ago, and I suppose it’s a testament to Miracle Strip’s popularity that such a similar small park has been able to survive even this long without closing. It’s fairly obvious that it’s very hard to be a small park in this day and age, so I congratulate Miracle Strip for being able to last as long as they have.

You see, unlike Knoebels, which only pretends to be a small park but really is a fairly medium sized park, or Lake Compounce, which was once small but is now heavily expanding, Miracle Strip really is a small park, actually a tiny park, with old, solid attractions that revolve around the shadow of an old, solid roller coaster.

I’m happy I got to Miracle Strip before it closed, and I’m sad and annoyed that it’s closing. But I have to admit, I probably would not have gone out of my way to return again were it not closing.

The biggest loss of Miracle Strip’s closing, for me, is not the roller coaster. It’s Dante’s Inferno, a brilliantly themed flat ride that makes me giggle still when I think of it. I hope someone in the northeast buys this thing and maintains it as well as Miracle Strip has. It is SO COOL!

The Haunted Castle

Clarisse: 2.6 out of 5
Comments: This is a haunted house dark ride. Since the park has to go, It can go too. I hope they sell some of the stuff inside, if they did I would buy some if I had the money. Some of the scenes in here are well thought out, but they look like the 11th grade art class put them together; especially because of the copious use of day glow paint. My favorite part, which was also one of the cheesier parts, was the guy in the corner with his hand in front of his face, but then his hand floats away on a wire. Some of the other scenes were of a guy with his head in a cauldron and there was also a dinner table scene with a severed head set in the center as the main course. There was also slanted perspective section, which I appreciated.

The Haunted Castle is longer and more complex than I thought it would be, but it falls short of good. Another one of the scenes has an alligator that snaps at riders, but you could clearly see that his upper jaw was missing, which made it a little less menacing. There are some inclines & downhills in the ride but they are severely braked. There were some sharp turns (llike mouse turns) that I initially braced myself for but there was no need to since the ride is very tame.

Mike: 2 out of 5
Comments: This is the ultimate old fashioned haunted house. Not scary, filled with rotting mannequins and day glo paint, and jam packed with crappy scenes. This is a long ride length with everything (sort of) operating which is nice to see on one of these haunted houses but hey, it’s still a crappy old haunted house. I loved one just like this when I was a little kid, though who knows what kids now think about stuff like this. Despite my calling it crappy, Miracle Strip has clearly gone out of their way to maintain all of their rides so that they are as good as they can get. This is true of the haunted house, and if you like crappy haunted houses, then I bet this is one is your favorite.

Abominable Snowman

Mike: 2.75 out of 5
Comments: While calling this the best indoor scrambler may be accurate, it’s also a feint compliment. Outside themeing on this ride is cute, as it looks like a gigantic um… see the ride’s title. To add to the themeing they air condition it as cold as I imagine it’s like in that dude’s house in “Hands On A Hard Body.” There’s also a fun light show and everything is very well maintained to boot.

Clarisse: 2.25 out of 5
Comments: This ride is an indoor scrambler, for our ride they played shitty music. They add fog during the ride, which is a cute touch that I appreciated. They can really get rid of this ride along with the park. I didn’t really like it too much, though indoor scramblers can be fun. I think part of the reason I didn’t enjoy it too much besides the horrible music was that I drank a huge soda and ate massive amounts of cotton candy before we rode. Bleech.

The Dungeon

Clarisse: 2.6 out of 5
Comments: The Dungeon is an indoor tilt a whirl. They ran it to decent but forgettable music. There was a spider theme inside which was cute in a goth way. The ops gave it a long ride time. They can get rid of it, I mean, it is just an indoor tilt a whirl.

Mike: 2.5 out of 5
Comments: Well… um… it’s a Tilt a Whirl that’s indoors. Well maintained (again) but unfortunately NOT playing early eighties new romantic during the ride cycle. If they did that, with it’s name and with the giant bondage hook that does exist outside, it would be the funniest attraction ever.

Starliner

Mike: 4 out of 5
Comments: The 2nd and 3rd hills on this wood coaster are fantastic, followed by a very boring return to the station. If not for those 2 hills with the tunnel, Dante’s Inferno would have been a better ride. But as it stands this is at least half a great coaster.

The manual operation on this coaster is also pretty neat, with 4 large wood levers on the station, one which controls brakes. Very cool, indeed. While it’s a shame this coaster is getting torn down, it’s no Phoenix.

Clarisse: 3.3 out of 5
Comments: The Starliner is a wood coaster. It should be illegal to tear down functioning wood coasters; even if they aren’t that good (like this one). They should move the coaster on the beach in Panama City Beach if they can’t save it. If they did that at least the area will have a coaster and they wouldn’t have to pay for so much shipping. Then because of the effort to save it, people would give it the attention it deserves. Besides, everyone loves a wooden coaster on the beach.

The Starliner is a tame coaster with 2 spots of airtime. Admittedly, we were only able to ride the coaster once in the front so I may not be giving it the respect that it deserves. The one thing about the ride that I appreciated is that there is a cool tunnel during the ride. I didn’t expect it at all because I couldn’t see it from any angle in the park.

Dante’s Inferno

Mike: 3.75 out of 5
Comments: Best ride themeing evah! Beset indoor spin n’ spew evah! Best trabant evah!

This ride is so cheezy cool! If another park doesn’t buy this beautiful piece of art and promise to take car of it I want to start a “save Dante’s Inferno” fund. Fuck the coaster!

It was so great to ride a trabant where the park took the lighting and music seriously, and where when the ride op asks if we want to go backwards, the riders enthusiastically shriek “YEAAAAAH!.” This ride was cool!

Clarisse: 3.7 out of 5
Comments: Someone needs to buy it, ride ops and all! If I could I would! I’d put it in the Penn Station 1239 subway station on the express platform at the foot of some stairs so that people on the local platforms would see people walking into a giant devils head. It really does look cool; riders enter a red devils head via the mouth. The queue line forms on the devils tongue; someone put an Altoid on it. The devil also has a healthy set of teeth. A fellow rider said that they recently cleaned the gum off of them.

This ride was surprisingly fun. It is an indoor trabant, just the kind of ride I usually hate, but they ran it so crazy fun I didn’t care. The ride ops gave it a long, fast ride time and they ran it forward and backwards. The ride experience was complete with smoke, cool music, neato lighting and the appearance of close clearances. Wow, I got airtime on this trabant.